today in class we watched a documentary called "war photographer" and i just cannot get those images out of my head.

this man travels the world to photograph wars, famine, poverty, etc. and this camera followed him as he did this. i just cannot believe some of the things i saw today.... and i really dont think that these matters should be taken as lightly as all of us have been.

there was one scene which really stood out to me. these men, these exremeists, in palestine were throwing bombs across a stone wall while screaming and chanting "Allahu Akhbar" which is one of the most sacred prayers in all sects of Islam which means "Allah is Great". they brought down the entire Muslim religion and made me feel like filth to know, that the religion (even though i may not be all that religious) i hold so close to, the one that i've grown uo with, is shared with these vile and disgusting parasites. and not only did they bring down our entire religion, but they brought down the name of Allah, the name of God as they stood and killed people. I cannot fathhom this concept, i can't grasp how people can be so sadistic, and then use God's name, and the messages in the Q'uran as justification.

there were also images of Africa and the famine there. these are probably haunting me the most. these poeple were walking skeletons.... no flesh, no muscle, just bones wrapped in skin. thats it. i dont know how else to describe it, but these things are happening in the same place where my entire family lived, this is the same place where my roots come from, and those are the people that live there. people that have probably not had a bite to eat for weeks, and people who see death of a daily basis, deaths of family members and of loved ones.

and here, in Canada, if you have no where to go, you can live in a shelter. if you have no money, you can get welfare. if you have no food, there are food banks. so many resources that you can access, to ensure that you dont starve, to ensure that you dont freeze, and to make sure that you survive. As canadians, even homeless Canadians, we are all so incredibly lucky. and we live our lives everyday without even thinking twice about all the food we waste, about everything we have, without even giving a little prayer of thanks.

i also think that we, the continent which uses about 75% of the world's resources, it is our duty to help those in need in those 3rd-world countries. there are so many things we can do, and yet we are all just caught up in trying to pass a course, in tyring to earn money, and yes, these are things that are necessary because of the type of society that we live in. but we will continue to survive without them, and we need to keep that in mind when we complain about taxes b/c that person on welfare who in a different country could not even afford the simplist medicine for a common cold can get treated without having to rob a bank.

i'm keeping this as a public post as a reminder to anyone who may come by this journal of how lucky we all really are, and the next time you are asked to give some change to charity... remember that there are those who are going to need those 25 cents a lot more.

im out
pEaCe

as per Alawna's request (who is right beside me) i am updating my journal. although im not really sure what to say.

hmmmmm.....

got into a car accident. it was my fault. my parents weren't mad but now my dad is acting stupid... as usual.

ummm..... im sick. which sucks because i have school work to do.

ummmm...... my aunt from calgary is staying with me right now, for two weeks. she wants to move here so she's trying to find a job. shes cool, i like her.


ummm fefe dobson concert is on wednesday at school. i really wanna go but im sick, lolz. imma try my best to get better for wed cuz i really really really wanna go.

anyways. thats all for now.

pEaCe

why is it that you have a stick so far up your ass that you can't even sit straight? i said what i said because i figured out who you are, but i refuse to embarrass you in front of everyone and say it. get the hing.. i want nothing to do with you? and is you life so sad and pathetic that you have nothing better to do than sit here and induldge in the past? it was a looong fucking time ago! get the fuck over it!? im sorry that your soooo obsessed with me, but i dont like you, so leave me alone.

yes i am a bitch, do you think that hurt me? yes, i am spoiled. but excuse my for having educated parents who can fly me to the fucking moon. jelouse are we? dont hate just because my family has money.

and no i did no delete ur msgs, i dont care enough to. it actually made me laugh that you think your words could get to me, some pathetic ass little bitch who will foreve choose anything that walks and has a dick over their so-called "friends". so again i say, get a life. cuz while your at home reading my journal... which btw is now freinds protected so dont even bother.... im out living my life. in at school. im out partying... what are you doing? sulking about ME! sometimes that would be flattering, but with you its just annoying.

so stop trying to hurt me, cuz i really dont give a shit about it. infact your little comments have become a source of entertainment for my friends and i, so unless you want to continue being our clown, go away.

So my little anonymous friend... if you feel that I did something SO horrible to you, then why are you here, why are you taking out the time for ME... someone, who as you say, wronged you so badly. And what about me and my feelings? I dont know who you are... how do I know that you didn't hurt me? how do i know that the reason why we even fought in the first place was not because of something that YOU did? don't place all the blame on me here... because i don't even know who you are, and i refuse to be insulted by someone that i don't even know. so no, i will not take your advice, i will not think about what you said... because your just not worth it.

SO LEAVE ME ALONE! i don't care to find out who you are anymore, i dont care to sit here and write anything more to you.

and i must say that the answer to your little question is quite obvious, is it not? i've changed b/c EVERYONE changes! no one will ever stay the same! am i still a bitch? yes, ofcourse i am.

so i'm tired of this little game we've been playing. so leave me alone... if you don't wish to tell me who you are then just do everyone a favour and disappear, b/c i no longer have the time or the energy to deal with you. i'm in university, fnials are coming up, i'm putting on a show at school, and i'm looking for a job. and truthfully i feel that you have WAY too much time on your hand posting here all the time. you need a life. just disregard everything i've said to you before now and leave me alone.

don't fuck with fate, it's just not worth it.

Mina

MY 2nd LETTER TO MY ANONYMOUS FRIEND

I was actually quite shocked to see that you had left me another message.

When i said that i would never forget, i did not mean that i would dwell on the past, i meant that i would learn from it. because if you forget then that experience was useless... but if you learn from it, you are not forgetting but you are using the experience, whether good or bad, in a constructive way... that is why i said i would never forget. because the past is the past, but the past is what makes you who you are.

you said that there were so many times that you wanted to call me,so what held you back? Because if that is the case, then im sure i have hoped and prayed so many times that you would, so if we both want the same thing, then why can't we just let it be? Why are we making things worse for each other? if we were so close, then why did things have to change?

And why did u feel that you weren’t understanding and patient enough when it came to me…? Did you only feel this way about me?

I must say, it really truly hurts that you feel that us talking can't happen. B/c from my point of view, it can happen, but only if you let it. It seems as though i've hurt you a lot in the past, and i never wanted any of that to happen, so i am sorry. I've never in my life wanted to truly hurt anyone, especially not someone who obviously cared so much.

I hope that this isn't the end of us... and if this online journal is the only way you choose to communicate with me, then so be it. and if you really feel that you cannot tell me who you are, then i respect that. although it is killing me... not knowing who you are...

so i hope that this is not the end my anonymous friend, so until next time...
Mina

I first want to say that your post did not anger me the way I'm sure you thought it would. But if you feel that everything always has to be about me, then i must differ with you. I cannot remember the last time someting was actually all about me, and if you knew me as well as it seems you feel you did, then we were both obviously oh so wrong.

I must say, however, my dear anonymous friend, that as I am lingering towards 20-yrs-old now, and i'm sure that you too are of a similar age, that we should stop acting like children and be the adults that we are. In saying this i mean that instead of leaving anonymous notes, why don't you reveal yourself to me? we were obviously very good friends at some point in our lives and I would love to see which one of those treasured people from my past you could be. And i am sure that there is a reason why we are no longer the friends that we once were, so again i say, lets stop acting like children and talk this over instead of holding these feelings for each other which so obviously need to be let out.

And if you do truly think that it was "all about me" then explain to me how... because one cannot just throw such allegations around without having quite the good reason for it. And if we were good friends then i was probably a confidant to you, some one who you could use as your shoulder to cry on, someone who might have even known you better than you knew yourself. So what more does a friendship need? Why must we complicate our lives? You did take the time to find my little place on the world wide web, you speak as if you were a large part of my past, you took the time out to give me advice... and yet you won't tell me who you are? Well, anonymous friend, i truly hope you read this letter to you because I do think that knowing who you are is very important to understanding everything you said.

Tell me who you are, no expectations, no strings attached... its as simple as that.

But if you did take all that time out to find my journal and read my posts and to comment on them then you must still care. and if you do, the i do ask you please to tell me who you are. because chances are if you were thinking about me then i was probably thinking about you.

however, i have finally learned to put the past behind me and i have said this before... i can forgive, quite easily actually... but i refuse to ever forget.

but alas, because of your little comment i have decided that this will be my last public post. the rest will be friends protected. and i will think twice before pouring my heart out onto MY little space, but such is life.

btw, i do not feel the need to hate who i am, or sit here and analyze the type of person i am. I embrace the person that i have grown into, and although your words made me stop and think... you can accept me for who i am or you can forget all about it. it's as simple as that.

and oppose to what you feel is reality, i do have friends, a lot of friends, people who appreciate who i am instead of critizing it. and THOSE are true friends, the ones who wont judge, the ones who wont forget about me because of some petty little fight.

so until we meet again my anonymous friend, i bid you a farewell.
Mina

im having a very werid couple of weeks. it feels like my life is simply deteriorating right before my eyes and the only i can do is sit back and watch.

first i might be sick. i dont know how sick, i dont know how serious. but bottom line is another health problem that im going to have to deal with. am i scared? shitless. but not for my life or anything like that.... more like for the possible life of another. if that makes no sense then im sorry but im not going into anymore detail. to tell you the truth, i cant even say what ive been thinking... its too horrible of a thought.

second no matter what i do i cant get good grades. ive been doing to "nerd thing". ive studied, done my assignments, done everything on time, but after all the work i put it i get nothing... absolutely nothing. it seems like it was pointless for me to have even come back this year because my grades havent improved. at all. its like you try and try and put your all into something and in the end you look around and it was completely meaningless and no one appreciates what youve done and you just sit there and ppl continue to pass you by but not one single person will eve turn to smile at you in appreciation because they just dont seem to even notice you there.

home life isnt any better. i dont feel like i belong here, as weird as that may sound. they all somehow fit together and im jsut the odd one out. its like being picked of teams, they always pick me last becuase no one wants me but knows that they have to. i so badly want to move out because i really cannot take it anymore. they push me to thoughts i never thought i would ever have, to thoughts that scare me so much that i cant even bring my self to stop thinking them. i scare myself, but i cant runaway...

i dont see the point to anything anymore. its all blank space. ive never been a happy person, always just pretended to be. but now its getting hard even to pretend.

im out
pEaCe

omg i am so in the mood to go to a HUGE jam and jus dance for hours. i havent done that in so long.... in fact i dont think i have really done that since like prom, which sux since prom was almost a year ago.

oh goodness prom was almost a year ago.... i feel so old.

i really need to find an id because i just want to go and dance. i love when its like tons and tons of people all dancing and no one cares if they look like complete idiots cuz they just love to dance. argh! man! i hate being 18!

neways, school is sucking big time. i really adn truly do not think i am getting into univeristy, which means that i have just wasted and very valuable year of my life. but then again, who knows... maybe it wasnt really wasted. and im not just saying that because i got a couple of bad grades back, but im saying that because i just have this feeling inside of me, the same one i had last year, and its telling me that im not getting in. i dont know. i'll just hope and pray and if all else fails deal with it when it happens.

but anyways, march break starts on friday! whoo! im so excited! yeye! i LOVE march break! and my week is pretty much full too which means absolutely no time to get bored. i have a day to go to york with sarah and candice, a day set aside for vin (u better not forget), one for nancy, one for that other crew to juice apparently ^o) im not sure that i want to tho cuz my ocnscience is getting the better of me. but then again in the big scheme of things it doesnt really matter so who really gives a fuck?

sorry, im in a very carefree mood today. i dont know why but for some reason i just dont care about anything which is bad because i have a report to write and considering that its 9:30, i should really go start that but im just waiting for my mom cuz we have to return a movie at blockbuster.

but anyways, i have written enough gibberish for one day so i shall stop now.

pEaCe

i hate ppl.... i hate ppl so much that i cant even explain. the one person who i know i can depend on is leaving... so who does that leave me with? ppl who lie to me? thats great...

i dont know why i even bother....

these next two months are going to be two months from hell....

so...... the mystery of my little "stalker" is solved. im seriously thinking about calling hte cops on his stupid ass but i need to talk to over wiht a couple of ppl first. its a VERY long story.... but lets just say that i was right... totally and completely 100% right.

and i also gave a little piece of my mind. ;)

ok, so am i the only one who didnt know that JC Chazes's cd was out? cuz i found out yesterday while i was watching a commercial. and has anyone seen his video? it was uh... interesting. i cant say i like the song but i cant say that i dont either... its one of those.... weird things....

so neways.... i have become very judgemental lately and its very horrible. ive always been hte type of person to never judge someone by just looking at them... but that it was i have been doing ALL the time! like, ihave noticed that one my biggest pet-peeves is ppl that cannot match thier clothing. and i understand that not everyone has a lot of money and some ppl can only afford what htey have, which is very ok. but when they dont match it just makes me angry and i feel horribel for that.

im slowly turning shallow.... i know exactly what/who the cause of all this is, but yeah, its bad. :S

neways, not muhc else to say
pEaCe

so after some thought, i have decided that the posts in here are going to change. i get to personal and with the whole "stalker" incident im going to need to become more careful to help this little paranoia thing i have going.

so slowly, as i print out my old entries im going to be deleting them and this is mostly going to be general rants... nothing to personal or in-depth about my life because the entire world has access to this page and not everyone needs to know my whole life story.

therefore, if you are curious about my life (as in, my friends) msg me on msn, call me, whatever it is that u want to do, because ur most likely not going to find out much on here.

so thats all i really have to say about that.

even tho that stalker thing may have been a prank, it was too scary to let something like that happen again... and i reallie have become paranoid and im not usually the type of person who does.

so im out
pEaCe

me and sarah were whory lesbians together yesterday ;) haha! its cuz we're kool.

neways, 50 first dates is SUCH a good movie! it was soo soo cute! im such a sap for romantic comedys, they are the best. and so is drew barrymore. and ofcourse, adam sandler is friggin hilarious. so all in all, good movie, made mina happy :D

moving on....

i love my friends... so cute. callin me as soon as they get back in T.O ... makin me feel special, lol.

we also seem to have kinda figured out who may be behind the whole "stalker" thing.... but yeah.... dont reallie want to talk about that.

i went to sleep at like 6 last night cuz i was on the phone :) haha, its ok, it was worth it.

neways. im gone. hungry, but once again nothing to eat... :S

pEaCe

happy valentines day everybody.... what a great fucking day it is...

im in hte worst mood right now. sure i was a little depressed. being vday and single, ofcourse, thats normal. BUT then my dad decides to start fighting with me. and then one of my friends started fighting with me. why ppl pick fights with me, i dont know... but now, i am in a VERY bad mood.

i honestly just wanna go get drunk right now... its just one of those days where u want the whole world to just go away so u can just sit and drown urself in ur own misery.... but i cant even do that in my house.

im reallie starting to see more and more why i need to just move out.

have i ever told u guys how much i hate when ppl hide things from me and lie to me? especially when THERES NO FUCKING POINT! but whatever, why should that matter... this is me we're talking about. why should neone be completely honest with me?

im out
pEaCe

when i thought my life could not get any more fucked up.

some guy calls me and tells me that he knows everything about me, that i dont know him that he want to go out with me and that im his angel. weird, right? yes, very.

but this guy reallie does seem to know a lot about me and i have no idea how.... its reallie fucked up.

i dont know wht to think right now.... either what he tellin me is true (about all the ways he found out about me) or its a prank. the latter seems much more reasonable. but yeah.

this is seriously fucked....

im kinda freaking out right now, cuz either way its scary. but neways...

i am once again going to bed.

pEaCe

so im getting sick... i thought i had avoided it but right now i cant stop coughing... every fucking year i get REALLY REALLY sick at least once during the winter. hell, last year i had norwalk and couldnt even lift my head up.

but i do not want to get sick. i hate being sick. but then again, who doesnt? and i cannot afford to miss school... arghh!

but anyways.

i have to take an english test at humber, and a week after taht test i have to go back for this orientation/portfilio assessment thing and also do another test. guelp-humber called me to go to thier tour thing during march break. but i dont want to go by myself cuz its so far away... so i dont know... :S

im working on my history assignment right now... or was... now im just procrastinating. arghh!

im very frustrated right now and i dont know why.

134 days... just 134 days....

pEaCE

i was reading some reallie old entries yesterday and it was very werid for me. it just the last year i have changed so much... im pretty sure that its not obvious to anyone else, but to me its very evident. its just weird...

newyas, not much going on. some shit wtih "friend" i just dont tolerate people who lie to me and deliberately hide things from me. if u dont want me to know something dont make up stories about it... thats just stupid and immature. adn whats the point of not telling me? scared im gonna judge u? well then that just goes to show how much u know me then.

its weird how it always happens with people you least expect.

actually, the whoel friends situation with me is weird.

neways. in april imma start my driving lessons, hopefully by july i can get my g2, and i already have a car so thats not even an issue. so now all i need is that damn fake id.

btw, if neone knows any older brown girls who dont need their g1 nemore, plz let me know!

my grandfather pissed me off today, but im not getting into that.

pEaCe

so yesterday i went to night school to get my marks. i got an 85% on my isu, and an 80% on my exam. and my final mark is an 81%, which is really good for me because last year i got 73% and it went up from midterm too.

i had a very interesting/amusing conversation with one of my boys last night about how they are getting a big head, lol. it was very funny from my side of the conversation. i love my boys :)

omg! i forgot! a couple days ago i was going in to beckers and coming out of the chinese restaurant is micko, boy wonder, nick, whatever the hell it is that you wnat to call him, but i saw him! it was so funny! cuz he looked and gave that smile (ya know the one, uma! lol) and then we almost bumped into each other. it was hilarious.

oh, so it turns out that Eid is on sunday, so i still have to go to school on monday... ah well. but i think its just an Ismaili thing... that always happens for this Eid. makes me kinda mad, but whatever.

neways, im out
pEaCe

so, i hope everyone is surviving the snow storm.

so yesterday i got this email from this poetry contest thing that i entered a couple months ago. apparently im a semifinalist. i put in the one that i wrote for writer's craft... the sonnet one. it was the only one that i already had on my comp, lol.

they also said that i am being published in their next book... called 'eternal poets' or somthing a long those lines. im not sure its totally legite... but it feels good nontheless. its kinda kool.

i am obsessed with slow jams but kanye west, twista and jamie fox... this is a WIKKED song!

i didnt have to go to night school today because of the snow. i really wanted my mark tho.

so i am once again on a serious job hunt. im desperate here. if neone can hook it up PLZ let me know! i really need a job.

my mom is going to take me to get my second hole in my ears this week. that excites me! cuz them maybe in a few months, or a year or so i can get my third one. ;) imma get mee some nice platinum studs. lol. actually, i have no idea why, and im quite surprised at this, but i really want playboy bunny earrings. :S lol. theyre just so cute.

but anyways.

i dont have to go to school to tuesday. cuz monday is Eid. ;)

im bored.... my whole life is quite boring... i need like a fake id or something... cuz there really isnt anything to do if you dont have one.

neways, not much else to say so im out

pEaCe

so my last post didnt exactly tell what happend very well... prolly cuz i wasnt compltely sober yet, but whatever.

ma mommy is coming home today! yay! i hate when htey leave... i dont know why. this time it was just me and ma older bro at home.... so the next step is leaving me by myself. ;) now that would be intersting.

so neways. i have my last exam tomorrow, for lit. nancy, denielle and maybe zaffer are gonna come over to study. should be fun. lol.

neways, nothing else to say so im out

pEaCe